A Memoir, Chapter One
by Tom Hathaway
for Chapters: ONE,
TWO, or THREE
is proud to serialize the first three chapters of Tom Hathaway's
novel, TABOO: A MEMOIR, published
by Dandelion Books.)
had an unusual life, and now that the unusual part of it is sadly
over, I feel the need to communicate it to others, although doing
so will expose me to risk. My mother's and my memoir is sure to
offend, even enrage, some people because it challenges a deep-seated
phobia in our culture. The forces of repression and shame are
strong, both within us and in the self-appointed watchdogs of
our society who want to prevent change.
love affair we enjoyed contradicts the establishment dogma that
all incest is sick, dangerous, perverted, sinful. Although it
had its stresses, this relationship was the right path for us,
a powerful bond of mutual devotion and a radical opposition to
patriarchy. We discovered that other people too are daring this
reactionaries view this as a great threat. They know the next
and most fundamental stage of the sexual revolution is beginning,
and they are trying to stop it with scare stories and punishment,
just as they tried in years past against masturbation, oral sex,
premarital sex, and homosexuality.
guardians of the status quo use the very real danger of child
molesting to generate hysteria and blanketly condemn all incest.
I agree with them that child molesting is inexcusable. Adults
can do great harm to children by sexually aggressing them. Children
aren't autonomous yet, they're not fully formed, so having sex
with a grown up, especially a parent, can make too deep an imprint
between consenting adults, however, is a different issue, one
of personal freedom, really no one else's business, especially
now that birth control has removed the genetic risk. Once we get
over the superstitious dread, it becomes another private preference,
an activity that will appeal to some people and not to others.
As with many matters, we can live and let live, love and let love.
ancient myth is about to be exposed. As this boogie man fades
away, we humans may learn to accept our basic but currently banned
you are about to read is the story of two people, both of legal
age, discovering an irresistible attraction for each other. In
short, a love story.
have tried to reconstruct the past as vividly as I can, to preserve
it in my memory now that I no longer have her.
you want to go to the Rolling Stones concert tonight?" my
mother asked with a smile. She stood in our living room, just
home from work, holding two tickets in her hand. Long auburn hair
cascaded over her boldly colored blouse. Tight jeans tapered down
above a pair of leather sandals.
with?" I replied cautiously.
me, you toad. Isn't that good enough?" She slapped me with
guess...yeah, OK," I said in my teenage mumble. I loved the
Stones and had never seen them live, but the idea of going with
mom wasn't a thrill.
pert, lively face fell into a disappointed frown. "You don't
seem excited." Her small white teeth sank into her crimson-colored
snapped the tickets into her purse. "I can go with someone
it'll be fun." I backpedaled, not wanting to miss out on
the concert. "It's just that..."
I know. Mom's a drag." She understood me so well that I couldn't
hide anything from her. I was eighteen and she was thirty-six,
but in some ways she was as much of a teenager as I was. Most
of my friends' parents seemed to have forgotten what it was like
to be young, but she remembered.
I groped for words. There was no point in lying. She could always
want to go or not?" Diana put her hands on her hips and raised
an eyebrow in a way that said, Don't jerk me around.
It should be cool," I said, getting more enthused. "Where'd
you get the tickets?"
could tell by her quick smile she was glad I wanted to go. "Allen
at work gave them to me. We were going to go together, but one
of his cases fell apart. Witness disappeared. So he has to stay
late and track him down."
mother had been dating one of the other lawyers in the Public
Defender's office. I thought he was square, with his crew cut,
tab collar, and Hubert Humphrey for President button. Mom—with
her long hair, peasant blouses, and Angela Davis for President
button—thought so too but said he was an "OK guy"
and they were "just friends."
Stones will be groovy," I said. "Let's do it."
was 1968; change was everywhere in the air; even our hometown
of Denver wasn't dull anymore. It seemed that music, protest,
and free expression would soon create a very different world.
Each day brought new possibilities.
let me drive her VW Beetle to the concert. She sat beside me and
tried not to be a front-seat driver.
concert was one of those Happenings that haven't been duplicated
since that era. The crowd was half the show, all these new freaks
with their long-suppressed weirdnesses coming out, finally able
to show their hidden sides, still tender and fresh. Everyone greeted
one another with open, accepting eyes. The mood was peace and
love, but spiced with the high-energy mania that the Stones do
so well. Mick pranced around in tight pants showing off his buns
and singing, "I can't get no satisfaction."
could identify with that. I was still a virgin, which is now a
rarity but back then was a normal teenage affliction. Although
curious and eager, I had so far been unsuccessful in convincing
any of the fair sex to share theirs with me. The music roused
my frustrated lust.
crowd was awash in marijuana smoke. People were passing around
an endless stream of joints and offering tabs of acid. Diana and
I declined the LSD but toked on the grass pretty heavy. We had
both smoked before but never together. She hadn't wanted to encourage
me, but here it was unavoidable. It was also super strong, a blend
called M&Ms, Michoacán mixed with mescaline into a
psychedelic cocktail that took us high-higher-highest. We floated
through the rhythms and melodies as if they were the protoplasm
of our cells. The music, the whole universe even, seemed to be
coming from inside us. We found ourselves holding hands, overwhelmed.
After the last encore, Mick mooned the crowd and scampered off.
stoned, neither of us could drive, so we rolled home in a cab
and headed straight for the fridge, munched out on rocky road
ice cream. We were having a great time, giggling like kids, more
relaxed and free than we'd been around each other in years. We
were really whacked out of our skulls.
started talking about the great songs they didn't play, and dragged
out their records. Soon the stereo was blasting. The Stones' music
is, of course, solid sex, the lyrics and beat obsessed with Eros.
That made us more nervous here alone than it had at the concert.
Since it'd been a sit-down event with no dancing, we had a pent-up
need to move and burn off tension.
Mick sang, "Let's spend the night together," we kicked
off our shoes and boogied around the living room, both of us in
jeans and multi-colored shirts. We didn't have the same dancing
style, and we were too bombed to be very coordinated, but that
didn't matter. The important thing was to have fun shaking it
to the music.
first we were each more into ourselves, woozily bopping and grooving.
Then our eyes met more often and we started getting into dance
as communication between us. We laughed and did little routines
together, twirling around, bumping shoulders. She flipped her
auburn ponytail in my face. Each time we looked at each other,
so many emotions poured between our wide-open pupils: shyness,
apologies for old hurts and harsh words, fear, nameless yearnings,
defiance, and strongest of all—love.
slow tempo of "No Expectations" brought us into a ballroom
pose, like Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire. With me a millimeter
taller, we glided around trying to be elegant, but she hiccuped
from having eaten the ice cream too fast, and we broke up. While
Mick crooned, "Never in my sweet short life have I felt like
this before," I held her manfully and bent her down into
a low dip, my leg between hers. I could feel her warm midsection
pressing against me and see the bulge of her breasts beneath her
Mexican blouse. I almost dropped her, but managed to raise her
back up. She must've felt something in my middle too, because
she skittered away.
next song caught her, though, and we were off on a fast one. To
not fixate on her jiggling chest, I focused on her eyes. They
were the same shade of brown as mine, but seemed flecked with
the psychedelic vision, it was as if I could see into her personality,
all the churn of her thoughts and emotions, and then beneath that
even to her soul. Before, I'd just seen her as Mom...or a Lawyer.
Now I could look through that surface to her feminine essence—the
most beautiful and desirable woman I'd ever imagined. Her female
core drew me like a magnet.
could tell from her surprised, embarrassed glances that she was
seeing me as a man.
played eye games, staring into each other's and dancing closer
and closer as if hypnotized, until it got too intense and we darted
away. Finally we found ourselves just standing there two inches
apart gazing into each other through a great silence. The song
was over and we weren't dancing.
next cut snapped us out of our reverie, and we were off again.
"You're ten thousand light years from home," Brian Jones
sang. As we danced, we continued watching each other. It was as
if we were each the first human being the other had laid eyes
on. We were similar but different, familiar yet strange. Our seeking
eyes glided over skin, taking the other in.
the record ended, I needed to look at something else, so nervously
I picked up one of the jackets, Between the Buttons. The title
seemed hilarious, and I cracked up, laughing to relieve the strain.
came over to see and thought it was funny too. We pointed at the
musicians' pictures set into flowers and giggled together.
the buttons," I said. "What do you have between your
buttons?" It seemed witty, and she reached out and tickled
my tummy between my shirt buttons. We were blushing and our looks
had turned daring. I tickled her in return, along her ribs then
under her arms, and she squirmed and shrieked. We were both so
tripped out that we did things we normally wouldn't've let ourselves
even think about.
buttons!" I intoned in a mock basso voice. "What's between
your buttons?" We stood close together panting with laughter.
I touched her embroidered blouse and stretched my fingers between
its wooden buttons as if measuring. A button came open and my
hand kept going, into the soft fullness of her bra.
that touch, every cell of my skin came alive, my breath hung suspended,
and a different music drummed in my mind. I touched more, ran
my hands over her luscious mounds. The other buttons came undone.
"What do you have—?"
you!" she cut me off and backed away on unsteady legs, rebuttoning
her blouse. "Put on something a little quieter." Mom
turned away and looked at the record rack. As she bent over to
pull out an LP, her jeans stretched around her curvy bottom.
forced a laugh to make it seem this was still just a game and
pulled the tails of her blouse out from her jeans. She jerked
up, turned around with a reprimanding but amused look, and waggled
her finger at me. "OK...stop now."
if you give me a kiss," I insisted, trying to sound playful.
puckered her full lips into a moue, then began laughing through
her nose, which made her sneeze. I lurched into her, held her
in my arms, kissed her cheek, then her lips. She didn't return
the kiss but let me continue. I brushed my lips gently over hers,
trying to recall all my limited make-out skills. I slipped one
hand under her blouse and up her back.
broke the kiss. "Enough of that! Let's—"
quieted her by covering her crimson lips again with mine. Hers
now responded just the tiniest bit, and we kissed each other hesitantly,
exploring these lips that we knew so well but not in this way.
Inside each of us a voice was screaming, No! But another voice—long
buried and now stronger—was screaming, Yes! We were awkward,
as if we'd both forgotten how to kiss and were reinventing it.
We nibbled at each other curiously, and I rubbed the taut skin
of her back.
won't quit, will you," mom said, but didn't pull away. I
remained silent, knowing talk could only distract us. Instead
I drew her again into the swirl of our kisses. Her breath deepened
into a sigh.
brought my hand around to the front and petted a breast, felt
her nipple under the bra, marveled as it stiffened under my touch.
do that!" She tried to twist away, but not very much, and
I held her with my other arm, kissed her again, and continued
thoughts were chaos. What was I doing? This was mom I was groping!
That's the Big Don't. What if somebody found out? What would the
kids at school say? I must be crazy...freaking out. Quit it! But
I couldn't. A wild roaring hunger drove me on.
couldn't bear the nylon covering her breasts. I didn't know how
to undo her bra, so I simply pulled it up. As they swung free,
I plunged my hand into her soft treasures. Afraid to meet her
eyes, unable to stop, I unbuttoned her blouse. There they hung:
large lovely tits with nipples standing out boldly, waiting all
these years for me to touch them again.
Diana managed to stammer.
sight of them chased away the last of my inhibitions. I needed
them, I needed her. I pressed myself against her so our eyes wouldn't
meet and fondled them, squeezed them, stroked them. Gasping now,
I pulled off her blouse and bra. They were round and magnificent,
glad to be freed, not the least afraid, unlike us, who were trembling
with shock. "Stop...we can't do this," mom said through
her heavy breathing. She folded her arms over her chest.
met her eyes long enough to see terror and desire battling within
her. I kissed her, and her lips opened. I pressed deeper, and
our tongues greeted each other shyly. They had never touched before,
and they seemed to like it. When I pulled her arms away from her
chest, she encircled my back with them.
we found the couch, and as we sank onto it, my lips moved toward
her breasts. From the black tufts of her armpits came a whiff
of rancid fear.
her mouth freed she began to cry and murmur, "No...no..."
She pulled at my shoulders but without strength.
dived for the nearest nipple, a rosy beauty prickled with readiness,
and enclosed it with my lips. I held it and loved it and sucked
it, and it grew, expanding under my attention. The flesh around
it became firmer and jutted towards my mouth. The most divine,
remembered ambrosia flowed into me. I was filled with a wonderful
calm, a knowledge that all's right with the world. Stored up feelings
came flooding back over me, and I was perfectly happy for the
first time since I'd nursed there.
opened my mouth to take in more of mother's swelling fullness,
then covered her other breast with my hand, delighting in its
softest smoothness, clutching as much as I could manage. From
both breasts, more billowed beyond my touch. Her bounty was greater
than my grasp, and I was brought to the contentment of Plenty.
was lying against the arm of the leather couch, sobbing and sighing,
stroking my head, my back, my sides. As I continued to feed, her
breathing became deep shudders. "This is wrong," she
mumbled with no conviction at all. "Please stop."
knew that meant she wanted me to kiss her lips again. They were
feeling neglected and certainly didn't want to be used for such
rose up and met her eyes just long enough to give her a look that
said, Don't even think about stopping. I plunged back into her
lips, and my tongue sought hers. Diana's responded with its own
force, and the two wrestled boldly. Her breath through her nostrils
a virgin, I knew where my goal was but I wasn't sure what it was
or how to get there. I touched between her legs, and she writhed.
"No!" she cried from our joined mouths and wrenched
away from me.
knew I'd made a mistake. Ignorant but running on instinct, I took
my hand away from The Place, embraced her more firmly, and kissed
her lips gently. At first she resisted but gradually she grew
still and began returning my kisses again.
her tightly with one arm to make her more willing, I rubbed the
other arm down her side. When I reached the danger zone, I skipped
over it and stroked her knees, then risked a bit higher on her
legs. They stayed closed but they stayed there.
brought my hand back up to her breasts, knowing they were on my
side in this struggle. I petted and fondled them and dropped down
to kiss them again. Why did you leave us? they seemed to accuse
was worried that with her mouth uncovered she would start protesting
again, but now she needed it to breathe through in long, loud
pants. Eyes closed, face contorted from the battle within her,
mom slipped lower onto the leather cushions. From her breasts
I gazed up at her with adoration.
rubbed slow circles down her tummy to the top of her jeans, then
skipped over the narrowing danger zone to her legs and rubbed
circles on the denim, which felt like sandpaper compared to the
softness of her skin. I gradually edged my hand between her thighs
and stroked both sides until they parted just a bit.
hand hopped over The Place up to her abdomen and pressed the blue
cotton. Diana moaned at the touch. Around to the rear, I rubbed
her bottom. The tension went out of her legs and they relaxed.
I moved my hand through and clasped each side where the legs joined.
As I caressed her thighs, they slowly opened. Aha! It was as if
I'd finally found the secret lever to swing open the gates of
the Great Pyramid.
brought my hand to the front and placed it delicately right There.
She gave a cry, but it wasn't No; she twisted, but didn't twist
away. I probed gently into her firm but yielding center and kneaded
it with pulsing pressure. Heat radiated through the denim.
opened the top button of my mother's jeans. Her hand rose in protest,
then fell limply to her side.
going to let me! I get to have her!
suddenly she doubled her knees into her chest and turned away
from me in one last paroxysm of resistance. I pushed my hand through
her round cheeks and clutched and rubbed her groin. I held myself
close against her. Reflexively she lifted her rear to me and cried
out in surrender, her voice filled with shame defeated by lust.
began pulling at the top of her jeans, trying to get them off.
I helped her, and we slid together onto the thick Rya rug. Her
Lady Lees came off, revealing graceful legs in white underpants
so sopped I thought she'd wet them. When I touched her there,
though, the fluid was thick, clear, and slippery. Little hairs
curled timidly out from the sides of the silk.
ago I'd caught a glimpse of her getting out of the shower, half
covered with a towel. I'd hoarded the image in my mind, but it
had faded into vagueness. Now here she was in the flesh. The beautiful
expanse of Diana's bare skin lay before me like a wonderland:
the peaks of her breasts, the rippling field of her stomach, the
canyon of her legs leading up to the mystery of her center, still
she said hoarsely and began stripping me. She went right for my
Lee Riders while I threw off my tie-dye shirt. On her knees, glassy-eyed,
moving as if in a trance, my mother yanked my jeans off. My urgently
red and swollen penis stuck out from the side of my jockey shorts
pointing right at her. Panting and swallowing, lips drawn back
from her teeth, she stared at its length with a mix of yearning
and loathing, as if it were forcing her do something she wanted
that I was no longer holding her, I grew afraid: So near yet so
far—maybe something terrible would happen—she might
reject me. My face trembled and my limbs quivered.
my anxiety, she hugged me to her and held her cheek against my
erection, cupped gentle fingers around it. Mom's touch calmed
me instantly, and I stopped shaking. I knew I would get home,
that everything would be all right, that I would have her at last.
shorts came off and my member swung free; we stared at it and
then into each other's eyes. Within her dilated pupils I saw my
tiny reflection splashing and playing like a baby. Bowing to a
force greater than ourselves, we folded into each other's arms.
eased her down onto the rug, and she raised her hips to let me
remove the last silken barrier between us. As the panties came
off, what they had been hiding emerged, its red lips and black
hair wet and glistening. Its musk mingled tantalizingly with the
scent of her perfume, making me want to inhale it, burrow into
it, devour it.
Place was just as bold, proud, and triumphant as its co-conspirator
between my legs. Perhaps even more so, because it had given birth
to all of me. My manliness had passed through her womanly portal
once before and was finally coming back for a more pleasurable
visit. From our middles, our genitals commanded us like generals
marching to victory.
that I had no idea what to do. I stared at her riches with awe,
but seemed in suspended animation. With a smile, Diana pulled
me on top of her. The feel of her breasts, belly and legs under
me, all of her soft, supporting structure, made me swoon.
took me in her hand, placed me where I needed to be, and led me
back through the gates of life. I pushed inside her and felt her
moist heat enfolding me, drawing me into heaven. Her center encircled
me, surrounded me with a pressure that flexed and flowed in rhythms
of delight. As I pushed in deeper and filled her up, she wrapped
her legs around me, wanting me as much as I wanted her. A happy,
wordless burble poured from deep within her. She gazed up at me
like she couldn't believe it was me, her son, doing this to her.
"Ooh...my boy," she said in appreciative amazement.
felt so good and I loved her so much I wanted to cry. "I'm
back inside you...finally...so wonderful."
a pounding rush I exploded gloriously into her. "Oh mommy!"
I cried in delirium.
clasped me in her arms and held on. "Oh Tommy!"
for Chapters: ONE,
TWO, or THREE
For more information about TABOO:
A MEMOIR click on the bookcover:
© 2005 by Tom Hathaway
All rights reserved.